I'm starting the south beach diet today so I can try to quickly lose weight for the summer. Hopefully including alcohol won't dramatically screw it all up, I can't not drink. I don't really know what my goal weight is. Probably around 105-110lbs. Depends when I start really losing my ass and boobs, don't want that to happen again. Right now I'm 123-124.

I'm so out of shape. I did a work-out video yesterday morning and my legs are killing me today. It hurt to walk up the stairs. Last night I threw my friend a surprise party at my house. I decorated my back room, we grilled and made vodka lemonades, it was a lot of fun but I did end up eating too much crap, oh well. Today I went to see The Hangover, fucking hilarious.

I'm staying in tonight.. I need a break. My new job starts next week! I'm sick of being broke. I went to Banana Republic outlet and bought a bunch of overpriced office clothes. It better be nice out for the beach tomorrow, I just want to lay out all weekend.

Current Mood: content

Drinking heavily lately.. just moved back to my hometown.

Haven't done anything completely embaressing and life ruining yet but I'm sure it is inevitable.

Pink's new song Sober made me cry on my way to work today in the car. I'm losing my mind.

This journal is turning into a sob story. I only update when I am fucking my life up. Well this won't be anything different but I am going to try to update a lot more so I can keep track myself about how my drinking situations are going.

Doug left to NJ on Saturday. The past month hanging out with him basically sucked. He was just different, focused on his new life I guess. Saturday night coincidentally was a friends birthday party. All I could think about was how nice Doug would have fit in with my more mature married friends and how I screwed that up by drinking. So what do I do to wallow in my sorrows? Drink almost all of the bottle of wine I brought. I had a fun time at least. I called Doug after I left and we spoke for 27 minutes. I do not remember more than 30 seconds of the convo when he wanted to get off the phone because I was very drunk. Funny how that's the part I remember. My Dad was really upset with me when I got home the next morning looking/feeling like a pile of garbage. He is having serious problems, his digestive system is basically shot from eating shit food and drinking. He doesn't want me to end up like him or worse and I feel bad because I don't what to tell him and my mom on how I am going to fix this. I have no idea.

Worst past few days in a long time.. I haven't been drinking much, trying to fix my relationship with Doug. He came back from NJ about 2 weeks ago and he told me a few days ago that he is going back in December for 6 months. I'm really upset, but luckily I don't really have the desire to go out and drink. I can't stop crying, I know life will go on, I'll move on, all that but it really sucks to lose a great guy. All I can think about is how bad I fucked up with drinking and proving to him that I am not the stable partner/relationship he wants and needs at his age. In the beginning, he really liked me, and he really wanted to be with me. I made so many mistakes, and kept making them and he put up with it for as long as he could and it's just too late for me to fix. I would do anything to go back and do things differently. I can't help but just completely blame everything on myself and that just really sucks.

Current Mood: depressed

I drank a bottle of wine.. by myself, in about 2 hours last night. And then a glass, maybe more of another bottle. I basically don't remember anything. My boyfriend is away and we were going to go on webcam and I wanted to feel comfortable.. I woke up in different clothes that I don't remember putting on. I read our MSN chat log before we signed off and I am humiliated at the things I wrote. I was mean, rude, not making sense and he is the one person who hates my drinking problem and it is the reason he won't take our relationship serious. And I go and do this. Unfortunatly we talked on yahoo also for 2 hours and I don't have the log to that.. I don't even know what we did on webcam. How could I have let this happen? I am so angry at myself and really upset. This shouldn't have happened. Why do I keep ruining my life?

Not sure what I am going to do... I am living in my roommates house for $450/month. The drive to work is killing me with gas. (40 min. drive) I'm not sure whether I should stay and find a new job or move closer to my job. My parents have an apartment 10 min. from my work I can stay in for $350/month, but my school is close to my roommates house and I'd still have to drive there 2 days a week in the morning, then back to work, plus my boyfriend lives near my school. I guess if I slept over his house on the nights before school, moving closer to work makes more sense.. but also my cats are outdoor cats and they don't allow cats at the apartment. I was able to hide them when I lived there last year fine, but now that they love the outdoors, I'm afraid they will meow constantly and want to go out. And I will be at work all day and unable to stop it. And they strictly enforce the pet code there. Ughh, so frustrating! Why can't I have money and buy my own house?? Or at least make enough to pay like $800/month and rent a house near my work. Why is life so hard when you are an adult!!!

Having stupid issues with adam again. We were supposed to go christmas shopping today but he spent half his money and didn't have enough and I just snapped. I started screaming at him and he called me crazy and left. I know I have these annoying anger issues but I've been doing better about them since I started lexapro and I'm sick of him coming over every wkend with no money. His brother hates me so now I can't get anymore pot off of him and i'm so stressed out. My friend who I'm supposed to move to Chicago with has been mia for a few wks. At least I got a good bonus from my work but I have to spend it all on contacts, vet shots for the kitten and speeding tickets. I really need to get faded.